Memoirs
August 29, 2015
It is so interesting what we do and do not remember. I apparently have completely forgotten about someone very dear to me wearing an outfit on Valentine's Day, to my demise, but I cannot stop reflecting on a moment in my earliest years when I was simply lying back over the end of a fold up cot in preschool watching the adults seemingly walking on the ceiling. At that very moment I can clearly remember observing the caretakers and thinking, "Is this really all there is to look forward to?" Even more fascinating than how much we forget about our life's experiences and the richness of our relationships, is how much we forget about who we once wanted in our heart of hearts to become. Consumed with peer-pressure to conform to the path of least resistance and being used and abused by hundred of thousands of spiritually and intellectually debilitated people surrounding us, from one moment in life to another we can misplace our own self-identity and tragically squander our truest desires.
Someone once said that, "If you stand for nothing then you will fall for everything." Having an open mind is healthy to an extent, of course, but when it comes to understanding who we are and what we stand for ethically and morally, having a pair of hands in the wheel house of our own vessel is paramount. Anyone who claims to like every type of music scares the hell out of me and I can't help but believe that they likely have no developed taste or genuine appreciation of music. I love , and . My favorite album is by and my favorite song is from by . I have changed throughout my life and therefore I no longer care for certain music that I was once fully enamored with previously. Understanding these differences helps me to know that I stand for something bigger and farther reaching than myself. Time is for learning and change. It is reassuring to realize that the me at the last moment of my lifetime will be significantly farther along the path of human maturity than I was at the first.
Remembering where we come from and where we want to take this life is damn near impossible without designating some landmarks and jotting down some notes in an effort to find our way back home occasionally. The vast majority of what the commercial, governmental and underdeveloped masses are selling us is misinformation and nonsense that is counterproductive to our individual growth and happiness. Identifying with this at some point in early adulthood, I began writing as an instinctive cry for help, attempting desperately to hold on to who I wanted to become as a man when I was only a boy. Today I am continuing to find myself and to fight for my life and to somehow contribute positively to the life of others. I hope that someone can take something good and meaningful from all of this. Mostly it's just for me so I won't forget.
"Always too late and never too soon"
Tells a teary-eyed man on the moon
With his eyes to the skies
Paralyzed by his past
And his heart stuck on start
Turning round very fast ...
We are one individually
Yet the same constituantly
But the greater without question is the latter
As the time that we are given
Should be spent high, richly and driven
Thinking, what when we look back may mostly matter? ...
Before the years of sadder sights
And fading blacks and browning whites
There were skies so blue you could swim to the moon
And grasses green enough for peace ...
...
Petals of yellow
For what we once wanted
When dreams were our reasons
And honesty flaunted
And yesterday left us
And tomorrow too
With smiles and only
What warming and true
After suffering a major legal setback I've decided there just isn't enough time and inspiration left to believe that love will flourish again before I pass on. The bad people have had their way with me for too damn long and I can either reasonably adjust expectations or blow a gasket at some point. I'm finally conceding that life is every bit as terrible as I perceive it to be after more than half a lifetime of extreme personal trauma and horrified observation. The only way to avoid self-destruction is to fully embrace the legitimate hatred that I feel and manage the hell out of it so I don't give it to the next poor bastard. ...
Nothing better exemplifies the boundless freewill, superior intellect, and unrelenting stupidity of mankind than our use of slavery from the earliest civilizations until now. As soon as hunter-gatherers started hanging out in larger communities the desire for excess took hold and we have simply never looked back. From Sumer in Mesopotamia some 5,000 years ago to America's mass incarceration and surveillance today, slavery has become such an interwoven thread of the human condition that forced servitude is now mistaken as neighborly, patriotic, just, and godly from birth. ...
In the hallowed sanctuary of my perfect humiliation through this noxious and melancholy existence, alas there is nothing more to living than dying for eternal usefulness. The final thread of the very end of my rope is whispering that it's okay to let go now but a will greater than my own is compelling me to hold on. It is tempting to board the next thing smokin' past this seemingly god forsaken planet regardless of cost and destination, but the passing and the dying are two separate issues and celestial departure will have to wait. ...
One day soon this body will be lying face up on a cold metal table in some nondescript morgue and I will have finally departed to the next world. Whether it's moments or decades from now is irrelevant. Love in this place is very unique and so much of our time is escaping us. The experience of truly sharing life with someone despite the whole damn world trying to use and tear us apart is an opportunity for an altogether different kind of satisfaction. ...
Love is a safe and welcoming space between any two people wherein both persons are able to express their truest appreciation, concern and hope for one another without need or expectation of anything in return. Discovering, cultivating and communicating love is only possible when all life is respected and internalized as forever worthy of our most intimate emotional investment and sacrifice. ...
Man, I just don't know what to say anymore. The whole damn world has gone sideways and the life being forced upon me is a fictitious caricature of existance derived from the personal deficencies of other folks. More and more often I find myself in a black and frigid tunnel without fight where reason and human decency will seemingly never hold value. The following is an interactive presentation of the concept of respecting life. Interacting with the words momentarily displaces them. Pressing down for about a second moves everything around. The point is that universal concepts, principles and truths will never change no matter how much mankind attempts to deny, manipulate and destroy them. ...
Staring at the proverbial blank page again, waiting helplessly in a fixated, timeless and immortal spell of boyish wonder for the swirling, fleeting and ambiguous thoughts and feelings of the soul to supernaturally dance into appreciable consciousness... My irrepressible need to find love in this misguided, cowardly and truth anemic realm has again set me on a path of almost certain impassioned suffering and pandemic withdrawal. ...
My name is Sean Allen Davidson and this is my new blog. Welcome! A few days ago I ate Chinese food for lunch and my fortune cookie said, "NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO FINISH UP OLD TASKS." I was stunned. I had been planning to do some writing again after a three year hiatus and that little piece of "fortune-paper" really stirred my soul. ...
With power comes responsibility, and there is no greater human responsibility than procreation. We have the ability to bring new feelings, intellect, preferences and expression into the world, for better or for worse. ...
My name is Sean Allen Davidson and I am writing this intro for the site from a California prison with more than three months remaining on my sentence. If you are reading this then it means that I made it out, the site is up and plans to help a whole lot of people are moving forward. Who am I trying to help? Everyone. ...
Returning from the chow hall here after dinner recently I noticed a pair of crows facing one another from opposite sides of a tall fence. One bird was standing stoically of the inside of the perimeter fencing and the other was flapping its wings and jumping around on the outside, or "free-side", as if prompting the crow inside to fly out and join it. ...
More than a week ago I was transferred to another prison for reasons that are beyond me. With seven months remaining before my release date I have been uprooted and placed in an entirely unfamiliar environment that is drastically worse in nearly every single way. ...
Today I was fortunate enough to watch the documentary "I AM." It changed my life in a meaningful and positive way. I found it very interesting, informative and I highly recommend it. Cooperation over competition. We are all in this together. ...
This is too much. No More. No way am I going to take this without a fight to the death from this day forward. I'm not even supposed to be here still according to the deal we made, if one can call this a deal. I was never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever supposed to be here. At no point during the last two years was there any purpose or need for me being ripped away from life and the people who I love. ...
Another several months have melted away from what's left of me and only my beliefs and a few otherworldly friends have somehow allowed me to differentiate the moments between this one and the menace that took my son. Previously I believed that the disappointment and anguish of my life had already reached a maximum threshold that couldn't be surpassed, but I was wrong. ...
One door closes and another door opens. This is one truth in life that I have always been able to depend on. Through the people and the places, the levity and the desperation, the peace, the contentiousness, the bloodshed, and even now with the departure of my little boy the doors have continued to open and close without hesitation, but never without reason it would seem. ...
Babies and kids who die too soon
Whose parents plant but hardly prune
Whose parents churn the how and why
Whose parents feel as though they die ...
My son's inevitable transition from this world to the next is upon us now and I have decided to no further relinquish the intimate details of his condition and departure in this manner as I believe that it would be insensitive and undignified of me to do so. The insurmountable swell of emotions has impaired me at last to the point that I have arrived at a largely dysfunctional and debilitated state on many levels. ...
I have a very good friend who believes that hell may in fact be the world that we are in currently as opposed to a separate dimension of fire and brimstone that some of us may be headed for in the afterlife. For all that I know and all that I have lived through she may very well be right. ...
The primary objective of our lives is to overcome the challenges that we live through by the collective understanding of our experiences and the underlying intuition of our truest selves, for the growth of our souls. ...
Five days ago while at work I received a phone call explaining that my son's cancer had returned once again. His doctor informed us that his tumor is growing back faster now than ever before despite having put him through surgeries and exhausting every conventional medicine and treatment. ...
My name is Sean Allen Davidson and the contents of this website are intended to speak solely to the extraordinary woman who can both comprehend and appreciate them in their entirety. I came into the world on January 12, 1977 with my hair on fire and confusion all around me. ...