Another several months have melted away from what's left of me and only my beliefs and a few otherworldly friends have somehow allowed me to differentiate the moments between this one and the menace that took my son. Previously I believed that the disappointment and anguish of my life had already reached a maximum threshold that couldn't be surpassed, but I was wrong. The shocking disorder and inescapable, hellish misery that is the aftermath of my son's departure has left me absolutely decimated.

I have had to fight constantly throughout the space and time following the conclusion of my son's tangible presence in my life to somehow survive the every level war that is mercilessly raging within me and between my present and past realities. As the exterior of my wonderfully beautiful boy is returning to the earth from which it came I am struggling mightily to accept that he as a soul will no longer be able to come out and play with me. The perfectly intimate spaces that held our fulfilling father and son relationship are now vacant, and the laughter, the smiling, the way that he smelled, the tenderness in his eyes, and the way that only we could understand each other at times...

My mind cannot rationally comprehend the erroneous equation that it has been given and my heart is overcompensating madly to make up for the part of it that is missing. The remaining familiarity and accompanying complacency of my life until now are no more. Any understanding of how I am to continue living from this point forward is beyond me. I am failing to identify myself without my son's exuberant persona and superabundant love and happiness in my living. I need the inspiration, compassion, cognizance and infinite other endearing qualities of a very special woman now.

Part II

When I was a young boy I had a dream that awakened me spiritually. I was living at a placement for troubled youth. One night I dreamt that I was exiting the housing facility which I lived in by walking through a large, sliding glass door. Directly in front of the building that I was departing from was a concrete walkway which I proceeded to follow. The walkway encircled a large grass area that was hedged by numerous buildings that were very much if not exactly like the building that I was living in. The walkway also branched out to various other facilities and exterior areas of the grounds. The direction that I was heading winded forward a few hundred feet and lead to the general area where the gymnasium, swimming pool, weight room and tennis courts were located. It was day time, the sun was very gentle and comforting, and there were other children playing outside just as we usually would be during an average school day afternoon. The only differences between my dream at this point and my everyday living is that the smothering anxiety that had long since accompanied me in reality was no longer present, and there was absolutely no sound.

Where the concrete walkway ended an asphalt parking lot area began which separated the circular, mostly grassy living area from which I had arrived and the athletic facilities that were directly across the way. There was a curb made out of the same concrete as the walkway behind me, which emphatically divided the end of the walkway and the beginning of the parking lot area ahead. I stepped down from the curb onto the surface of the parking lot blacktop and continued walking until I arrived at the basketball gymnasium which was another few dozen feet forward and a few dozen more to the right. I then walked up the long, rising, cement ramp that led up to the two very large, wooden doors of the front of the gymnasium. I opened both of the gymnasium doors and saw nothing. There was no light, there continued to be no sound and I accepted that there was nothing and closed the doors and turned away.

I then walked down the gymnasium ramp and back across the parking lot area towards where I had initially come from. When I arrived back at the cement curb that divided the path which I had taken and the parking lot that I was standing on, I planted one of my feet upon it and instantly I was startled by an abrupt and complete change in my physical surroundings. Several beams of light exploded up and outward from a central location in the ground before me. The skies were suddenly gloomy and a very dry and furious wind was swirling leaves around me in every possible direction. The buildings that had surrounded me previously were all gone and had been replaced by rolling hills that were covered with brown, hard, lifeless grass for as far as I could see. The only man-made structure present was an old, wooden outhouse that was standing on the very subtle down-slope of the hill that was nearest to me. A faint and gangly stream of smoke was softly emanating from the top of the outhouse through a small, metal, tubular, open ended stack before being forcefully dissipated by the bustling winds. The outhouse door was erratically swinging open and then slamming shut again with incredible force, over and over again, and after taking it all in for an extraordinarily pungent and perfectly consuming moment I awoke.

Part III

Now only months away from my 30th birthday I have to some extent, I believe, experienced the physical manifestation of the symbolism of my childhood awakening. I believe that I have been visited by the supremely loving spirit of God and I believe that the life that I am living is at its foundation a purely spiritual journey that will continue beyond the temporal disappointments that sin and physicality have certainly proven themselves to be. I have accepted God as my father and thus that I am an equally deserving member amongst every other soul, throughout the whole of time and space and all that hides behind it. I have accepted Jesus Christ as my savior who has sacrificed immensely of himself for my own salvation and for the reclamation of what was originally intended for all of mankind.

I have accepted that I am a sinner who isn't at all better than any other person whom God has likewise created out of his own all-knowing ingenuity and perfected, divine likeness. I have accepted my innumerable and monumental failures and I have accepted that I am destined to be susceptible to some degree of ineptness and ignorance throughout the remainder of this lifetime. I have accepted that many people dislike and even hate me for reasons that are both invalid and well-founded. I have accepted that life here on Earth is often very difficult and displeasing and I have accepted that sacrifices must often take place in order for progress to be made.

I have accepted that my years of physical development are now behind me and that I will for the remainder of this life be fighting a losing battle to preserve the functionality and general well-being of my exterior. I have accepted that my son has passed away from this physical realm and that I will not be able to see him for quite some time likely. I have accepted that the subject of my writing may ultimately be only a muse who I have created out of desperation to comfort and inspire me through the angst and bewilderment and my most frightening and hopeless moments. I have not accepted, however, that I deserve to be unhappy and alone and that trying passionately to find an extraordinary woman with whom to share my extraordinary journey is in any way unreasonable or unworthy of my greatest efforts and attentiveness.

Part IV

Over the past few years I have tried to communicate openly and effectively in the hopes of finding a woman in this world who can understand and appreciate me and who I can understand, appreciate and be worthy of in return. I have often felt as though I was losing my mind in the process of searching the depths of myself while amongst the conflicting defensiveness, disingenuousness, simplistic rational and general imprudence, and senselessness of the world around me. But recently I am feeling more confident in my reasoning and exceedingly comfortable with who I have become as a soul. As a result of deciding to venture out for happiness, companionship, self-discovery and whatever depth of understanding is presently available to us here in this place, regardless of the contravening tally of my deficiencies, disappointment and incomprehensible frustration, unquestionably I have grown.

To me this was all about a gut check ultimately. I knew what I wanted but the question was whether or not I was both capable of and willing to communicate my innermost feelings so that what I wanted internally could be understood by people other than myself, more specifically a particular woman who might be waiting to hear what I had been longing to say. The answer that I have arrived at finally is yes on both accounts. Now the only question remaining with regard to companionship is whether or not I can find the woman who is right for me.

Part V

So here we are on this tiny, blue, rotating dot in the never-ending immensity of space. The only thing that makes us at all significant is our ability to willfully love. Our physical lives and our ability to exist here on the Earth are miraculous gifts, given to us by God I am convinced, that can be ended at any moment. Yesterday was Father's Day, today I was fired from my office job for asking to be treated more humanely, tomorrow my child is going to be graduating from kindergarten and the day after that is the sunniest day of the year... They can keep the job. I am growing spiritually and I refuse to sacrifice my understanding, my integrity and my self-respect for a couple of green and white pieces of paper and some pressed metal that will do nothing for me in the afterlife.