Still Alive
Life after the death of my life
July 23, 2015
38 years, 6 months, 21 days, 16 hours and 29 minutes ago a doctor yelled, "It's a redhead!," and I have been SAD (Sean Allen Davidson) ever since. Wow, was my mother radiant and beautiful. She was sober during her pregnancy with me. That must have hurt like hell. Thank you, Mom! So much has changed for me since then, of course. So many lives have changed because of me. So much change has happened in the world. So many people who I love and miss have either passed away or want nothing to do with me now. So many of my dreams have set sail to nowhere and so much of my heart is never coming home. All I ever really wanted was to be Superman... and then life happened. This is a place where I can tell you about some of it before my time is up. It's been an extraordinary 14,033.54 days on the only known life sustaining planet, for better or for worse.
How much good can I do before I leave this body? All else has been removed from me to reveal this essential sacred abstract of the human designation. The answer is immeasurable and yet the only substance worth living for. The question itself is the answer for my purpose, path and pain. This other worldly puzzle has endeared itself to the farthest reaches of my soul and holistic participation. The elegant solution of service to others as the incessant satisfaction and perfection of self has brought genuine clarity, direction, order and solace to my existence. Nothing can extricate the intrinsic infallibility of these eleven transcendent words from the depths of my eternal being. No one can persuade me to recompense evil with evil or to knowingly do wrong to anyone. Everything that I desire to do with this life is positive, supportive, constructive, healthy and altogether good.
Only a short while longer now in the spacesuit (body) and I am determined to make the most of it. There are a number of things that I would like to help improve in this world and in order to focus on the bigger picture it is crucial that we give our time, energy and attention to being a part of the solutions instead of continuing to contribute to the problems. Everyone who has wronged me is forgiven, and I hope that you can also forgive me. Thank you very, very, very, very much for the love, the laughs and the lessons learned. I remember so many diamonds in the rough. We never did think that things would turn sour in the beginning, did we? Hopefully we can take comfort somehow from the simple fact that everyone has been terribly disappointed, embarrassed and ashamed on countless occasions in there own lives. Can't wait to look back at all of this adversity and turmoil and laugh it off when the curtain comes down finally on my own unimaginable journey. At the moment, however, there is work to be done and I am excited about helpin' out.
This website is a product of thousands of hours of standing up writing hundreds of hand written pages on the top bunk beds of at least a dozen different prison cells. Three years of my life and much of my will to live were ripped away from me. While I never truly gave in to despair there were moments where I was pretty convinced that all had been lost. To have you as a guest is a genuine privilege, an honor, and literally the fruition of what was once only a very secret, foolhardy and seemingly impossible dream. Your presence here is cherished and you will always be welcomed regardless of any differences we may have. All I ask is that you don't hack the site. : ) Seriously though, thanks for stopping by. It means the world to me. I sincerely hope that we can share something sacred and replenishing for the soul. May God bless and keep you always.
Sean
Three steps forward and two steps back. That's how progress is made in a very beautiful but absolutely ridiculous, mediocre and disconcerting world. The only thing worse than failing is never trying, so here's to another round of best possible sojourning and well-intended fresh ideas for the greatest good. Caught between giving up and letting loose for years, I've settled on addressing only median personal grievances that may or may not be helpful to others and accept whatever responses I get as mutually thought provoking, reformist music to my ears. If nothing else, it'll feel great to get a few things off my chest finally. Cheers!
Recently found that mail sent from the contact form wasn't going through. Quite bizarre. Everything's been fixed and added a popup menu to the contact button whilst in the mood. First code in a while and feels a bit like starting over. Rather exciting really. So far, so good.
Code was good, number not so much. Guess I really wanted an eight there. Being a one-man band certainly has its perils and embarrassment but the potential freedom is more than worth the trouble. Apologies to Joe for the massive flood of calls that no doubt came in over the past few days. Almost everything that ends up well has a never-ending parade of lame ideas and human error behind it. Definitely appreciate the occasional winning streak. Anyhow, my little ol' contact info is now correct and accessible on all devices. Fuckin' a.
I'm feeling really, really good today. Planets must be aligned or something. Try to hang in there if life's got you down at the moment. Seriously, never give up. Your turn is coming.
False alarm, sorry. Sent packing again. Live to fight another day.
Anyone sending negativity my way without direct communication is a lost cause. Anyone judging me without applicable life experience and at least reading through my online content is a lost cause. Anyone who has read through my online content and doesn't give me the benefit of the doubt is a lost cause. Anyone who lets others dictate how they feel about anything or anyone without firsthand experience is a lost cause. There's eight billion of us here so no worries if we're not a fit for some reason. Honestly, very few of us are.
"Try, Try Again" - T.H. Palmer
I was arrested for seeking shelter at the height of the coronavirus pandemic last December. Been dragged through the court system for the past year. First two holiday seasons after five years of parole have been completely ruined. Would still be in jail likely if I hadn't bailed out. They're sending me to trial for likely mandatory sentencing in an animal cage and additional years of supervision for doing absolutely nothing to anyone. I barely made it half a year after parole before being arrested again. Founded on genocide and slavery, billions tortured unnecessarily through mass incarceration, millions killed at war just to feed the rich and millions killed just now by the worst pandemic in our lifetimes and we still haven't learned a single fucking thing about humanity, love, mercy, empathy, justice or progress. These are my final thoughts before being pushed off the world just for the hell of it.
Tough weather day and trouble seems to be just about everywhere. Started getting too low and needed something creative so I threw some ideas together and made it to sundown. This is the last of some old poems I found in storage recently. They were hand written on pocket notebook paper from memory about a dozen years ago while overseas in Europe.
A simple and naive high school poem about peace and love on God's green Earth. After years of researching America's never-ending unconstitutional wars and global tyranny I've seen enough. The total collapse of Afghanistan after two decades of pointless death and destruction is too painful to deal with at the moment. Thoughts and prayers to Americans, Afghans, Iraqis and everyone else directly affected by all of these evil and counterproductive fucking wars. The U.S. Empire has about 1,000 military bases in at least 40 countries. We've recently fought in 14 different countries, drone bombed 7 and maintain economic sanctions on 23 otherwise sovereign nations. Sorry if the numbers aren't exact (!@#$%^&*).
Someone extraordinary gave me the most divine gift recently and I wanted to thank them from the bottom of my heart. This poem from sometime around 2004 has at last found a worthy traveling companion, wherever the four winds may guide you. It never felt just right but the sentiment is there. Can still remember writing it while walking back and forth along a hillside of daisies at work, keeping balance on a cement parking lot curb below a freeway. Seems like a million years ago but the feelings are the same. Thank you.
After suffering a major legal setback I've decided there just isn't enough time and inspiration left to believe that love will flourish again before I pass on. The bad people have had their way with me for too damn long and I can either reasonably adjust expectations or blow a gasket at some point. I'm finally conceding that life is every bit as terrible as I perceive it to be after more than half a lifetime of extreme personal trauma and horrified observation. The only way to avoid self-destruction is to fully embrace the legitimate hatred that I feel and manage the hell out of it so I don't give it to the next poor bastard. I'll be focusing on sympathy, gratitude, humility, forgiveness, education and healthy social interaction to help prevent righteous indignation from sliding into destructive emotional outbursts.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.... The year is 1977 and the location is Planet Earth. Elvis Presley, Steven Biko and the CIA's MKUltra mind control program have left the building. In walks Kunta Kinte, Star Wars, personal computers and one hell of a perfomance at London's Rainbow Theatre by Bob Marley & The Wailers. More than forty years later we have much greater technology and cross-culteral understanding but are turned away from it by career demagogues who deny human progress for their own political gain. We must focus our time, energy and resources on removing public officials who enrich themselves by perpetuating human suffering (stop being hound dogs and blow up the Death Star).
A critical re-evaluation of September 11, 2001 shows that American/Israeli neocon extremists are solely responsible for the attacks. Trillions were embezzled from the DoD for Israel and 240 billion in laundered covert securities involving George H. W. Bush were due for inspection on September 12, 2001. All evidence and personnel that could expose these crimes were targeted. The 1993 WTC bombing and Osama Bin Laden's declarations of war against the U.S. were leveraged to blame it all on Arab terrorists. The last 19 years of global death and destruction were scripted following the Cold War to turn the Middle East into a functioning American colonial outpost for Wall Street and the Military-Industrial Complex.
When you realize that your mistakes, hardships, gifts and talents have a significant purpose and people won't let you do anything good with it, life can get especially strange. After several years of sadistic torture I am still being setup for failure and threatened with enslavement for asking to be treated more humanely. This parole bullshit is supposed to be over in three months finally and they're still pushing me toward getting wrecked somehow. Dear Sacramento, California and United States of America, I am not your bitch. I am an American citizen. I have served in your military. I love this country. Please get the fuck away from me! If anything good happens I'll stop in with an update.
PrisonRef has been updated. It's a miracle and everything is there to fix the Criminal Justice System. If the project moves another inch it will be someone else's fault because I am completely done subjecting myself to the American nightmare. The mobile version of the site isn't finished but it works pretty well. After shoring up the desktop presentation I simply couldn't take anymore. All-in-all I would say PrisonRef is about 60-70 percent finished.
The second major update of the site is finished and I couldn't be happier with the results. Super proud of how far along things have progressed over the past several years and exceedingly grateful to everyone who has shared in the process. Thank you, Framers of the U.S. Constitution, every soul who has fought and died to uphold free speech in America, and the totally freakin' awesome web design community online. One never knows what tomorrow may bring but for the moment I feel pretty damn comfortable with the design portion of the site being more or less fully realized and ready for business.
America's view of criminal violence and related justice is long overdue for an overhaul. Removing violent labels from all but the most necessary offenses will bring healing to countless justice-involved residents. Giving non-physical violence equal weight toward holistic loss and suffering will bring greater legitimacy to the Criminal Justice System and accountability to public figures who dangerously use stigmatizing generalizations for profit. Damage to a person's common sense of security, privacy, mental health, spiritual health, relationships, time, resources, reputation and potential must all be considered in determining fair and effective jurisprudence for malicious behavior in society.
The concept of justice has been eating at me to the point that I literally have no other choice but to heed its urgent call to arms if I ever wish to hear myself think again. So, this is an ongoing project to discover the truest form of justice and how we can apply it most effectively throughout human existence.
"You're gonna need a bigger boat." - Sheriff Brody
Passage of the First Step Act on December 21, 2018 was a much-needed shot in the arm. Seeing daylight fluttering shamelessly out in the open after so many dacades of brutal intimidation, wanton authoritarian plunder and unimpregnable utter fucking hopelessness was nothing short of an out of body experience. Borrowing from the goodwill and recent accomplishments of others I decided to make a push forward with PrisonRef and see what we could come up with. After a year-long hiatus I was finally able to size up the Action Plan intro and give it the freedom that every good idea, truth and being deserves.
In the hallowed sanctuary of my perfect humiliation through this noxious and melancholy existence, alas there is nothing more to living than dying for eternal usefulness. The final thread of the very end of my rope is whispering that it's okay to let go now but a will greater than my own is compelling me to hold on. It is tempting to board the next thing smokin' past this seemingly god forsaken planet regardless of cost and destination, but the passing and the dying are two separate issues and celestial departure will have to wait. I must continue dangling here for dear life and the greatest good of God and Man until sufficient progress is made for all. Everyone pushing me down can go straight to hell.
Having exhausted peaceful protest for nearly six years without results, it seems that there is no peaceful means of bringing justice to America's Criminal Justice System and reclaiming my own freedom. The incredible sadness of this realization along with the many celebrity suicides of late has really pushed me to the edge. Also, as of April 16th I'm not supposed to be on parole supervision anymore but some committee of strangers gave me an additional two years without reason. The only thing left is violence, which I will give to God and let him choose what to do with it. I finally have no other choice but to slap a big red nose on all these clowns and take my respect. I am redeemed.
Since we're all here and have to live together we might as well settle in and make the most of it. Seems like the human thing to do. Restroom's down the hall and to the right. Breakfast is ready between 6 and 8 most days. If you make a mess, please clean it up. Let me know if you need anything.
Finding genuine happiness and lasting peace with someone today is quite possibly more difficult than any time before in human history. For those of us who continue to pursue love despite the growing challenges, I salute thee. The quest itself is a sweet reward and validation of our tremendous courage and valor. To the victors go the spoils of romance in the pressure cooker.
The fourth and final draft of PrisonRef has come to fruition after 1,948 days of blood, sweat and tears. The hardest part should be over finally. I'll be taking some time off before writing the Action Plan. If anyone is interested in taking on development responsibilities please let me know. Graphic design experience is also welcomed. My sincere respect and appreciation to all who have helped this human rights milestone become a reality. Your kindness and support will never be forgotten.
The first big update of the site is now finished. My hope is that the creativity and inspiration found in the process will yield some momentum to other projects. I despirately needed to lose myself in something prolific, constructive and reasonable heading into the emotional junkyard of the holidays. Mission accomplished. Now I'm too numb through sheer mental exhaution to care about or pay much attention to anything, and it feels absolutely wonderful. Prayers and positive thoughts to all. See you next year.
I'm ready to move on and begin anew. I have done everything that I can to help the world around me. Now it's time to try to find some happiness for myself.
The third draft of the prison reform site is online (PrisonRef.com). PrisonRef is now mobile ready and can be viewed at all device sizes. Much of the content remains dummy text for design purposes but the look and feel have begun to convey a message of their own. This update is dedicated to our many veterans who have needlessly lost so much of their lives and faith in humanity while mercilessly forsaken in the U.S. Criminal Justice System.
This is my final update to the site. Finish line be damned...
Went to bed last night feeling aweful after being treated like garbage by someone in authority. This morning I woke up so lost in the fray and unable to see the forest from the trees. After a few sips of coffee I was gently prompted to stay the course and so decided it was time to summerize my understanding of love in an attempt to note my own ongoing progress in life. I feel a lot better now.
Man, I just don't know what to say anymore. The whole damn world has gone sideways and the life being forced upon me is a fictitious caricature of existance derived from the personal deficencies of other folks. More and more often I find myself in a black and frigid tunnel without fight where reason and human decency will seemingly never hold value. The following is an interactive presentation of the concept of respecting life. Interacting with the words momentarily displaces them. Pressing down for about a second moves everything around. The point is that universal concepts, principles and truths will never change no matter how much mankind attempts to deny, manipulate and destroy them.
The second draft of the prison reform site is online (PrisonRef.com). Lots of cool changes have been made since just before New Years and I can really see a clear identity coming together. Still not mobile ready yet, much of the content is only dummy text for design purposes and many of the links do nothing. This update was pure guts. Glad it turned out.
Development of SLEG Hammer has begun (SlegHammer.com). SLEG (Sadistic, Lascivious, Egocentric, Garbage) is an acronym for unhealthy sexual experiences, or "Bad Sex." SLEG (Sexual LEGislation) is also an acronym for sex related laws in our society. Open and progressive dialogue about human sexuality is necessary to help protect us from its misuse.
Every day of this life is a miracle and a testament to humankind's immeasurable will to live. I could pass right now and be satisfied with my collective efforts through a very difficult life and with who I have become. That being said, survival is not fulfillment and loneliness is a real son of a bitch. Water and sunshine could do me good.
The initial rough draft of the prison reform site has been posted online (PrisonRef.com). It isn't mobile ready and many of the links are broken, but it's a start. My primary ambition at this point was to begin putting something together that had unlimited potential for meaningful expression and positive change.
After several years of reconstructive "life work," and having eaten more humble pie than ever thought possible, suddenly I have arrived at that place of peace and quiet understanding wherein love is much overdue and all else is much ado about nothing.
The Projects section of the site is now ready for visitors. This is where I'll be sharing the process of attempting to create additional mediums of expression that I believe can make a significant positive difference in the world. These are some pretty heavy endeavors so it may take some time to get the ball rollin'. All prayer and good thoughts are very much appreciated.
The Memoirs section of the site is up and runnin'. So much of mankind's experiences and recorded history has been lost to neglect, war and climate change. The memoirs section contains some of the truths from my own personal thoughts, feelings, dreams and experiences.
The Barriers Bible Study is available for download and as an interactive online presentation. The study is about life's barriers and was written in response to a spiritual experience that I had while in prison.